Howdy-do all. Well, as some of you know, Dree and I had hit a bit of a holiday speed bump. We went down to the garage yesterday to pull out our Christmas decorations. We started putting up our nick knacks and I leaned over at one point and asked Dree if she remembered what box we put the lights in. We couldn't find it, so we figured that we must have left it down stairs. So we went back down to check and still couldn't find it. So we went upstairs to our neighbors to see if maybe she brought them up with her by accident. Oh the joy and fun. It turns out that the woman who was a "friend" of hers and had been storing her stuff in our space had stolen some of her Christmas decorations and apparently decided to take the box containing all of our lights, our candles (which Dree had since she was a kid), our star and our tree skirt. Needless to say, we were more than a bit miffed. I called the landlord and bitched for solid 2 minutes. I started out in the very silent creepy serial killer voice and by the time I was done I had reached irate dissatisfied customer in a retail store and trying to make a spectacle out of myself to get something free volume. I included the fact that we were sick and tired of the son & his girlfriend upstairs screaming at each other and cursing up a blue streak and his ex-con ass smoking pot every 5 seconds and the smells wafting down. I informed him that he would be reimbursing us for our stolen items and would be making changes in the duplex as far as the neighbors upstairs were concerned. He came by today to "talk to us". At which time we were informed that yes, he was going to reimburse us for the things and he would be building us a separate storage space. He then proceeded to tell us that he "felt bad" about trying to get rid of the son and his girlfriend. So, in honor of the holiday and the movie that I'm currently watching, here's a little something I like to call "An Ode To My Landlord" (and I freely admit that I stole everything except a few words):
Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like A. X., my landlord, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber up there in New York with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fore-fleshing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?
Sigh. Onto better times. Merry Christmas all!
Monday, December 8, 2008
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